An Open Letter to the Internet About Its Very Clear Lack of Orgasms in 2020 — and Why This Should Be Your First New Year’s Resolution for 2021

You haven’t had a truly satisfying orgasm in a very long time and everyone can tell.

You’re acting like a maniac.

You’re day drinking.

You’re crazy defensive all the time.

And you’ve literally just gone viral screaming at the crossing guard at your child’s school and your arch enemy has created a mash-up video that includes you, that hysterical woman rocking back and forth in her car seat from TikTok and some random braying goat.

Something needs to change.

And that something is: You are going to start having quality mind-blowing orgasms this year. Regularly.

2021 is going to be the year when you stop screaming, “I’ve given up on my own personal happiness and am now constantly directing all of my pent-up self-loathing and anger at my inability to have adequate sexual release to the entire world around me!”

So here is the big secret to having the big O in 2021.

Are you sitting down? Because it’s so straightforward it’s likely to make your brain explode a little bit.

You need to do something new.

That’s it!

According to a new study by the Kinsey Institute, one in five people reported trying something sexually novel during the pandemic to spice up their love life.

For those who did, they were three times as likely to have an improvement in their sex life.

Three times!

This could be anything from a new position (missionary is so pre-lockdown) to a kinky erotic game to a toy that brings out the very best in blended orgasm — that truthfully, every human being on this planet deserves.

This could be you!

Because I am not — unfortunately — a sex shop operator, I called up a real-life one to find out what toys and things can spice up novelty so that everyone can come a little bit better, a little bit harder, and a little bit more often. Which is how I ended up on the phone with Bronx-born-and-raised Glen Buzzetti, the CEO of East Coast sex shop chain, Romantic Depot.

Which…if you’ve never heard of Romantic Depot, wow.

You are in for a treat.

Like, this is their coupon page:

The company also just got an AVN Award. They are now legitimately, officially, the best sex shop in the country. So, there’s that.

On the phone, Buzzetti first asked me if I could get the New Yorker to write a profile about him and his AVN Award, and then after I told him that while this was likely not going to happen in this universe or any parallel one, he still kindly indulged me in my little passion project to help the world come better.

“Oh man — how much time do you have?” Buzzetti replied when I asked about his store’s most popular devices. “Let’s see…we’ve got the USB-charged finger G-spot vibrator, and that’s flying off the shelves…and I would definitely recommend that one for anyone. Then there’s the clitoral power vibrator that you can actually carry around on your keychain. We’ve also got the VIP Elite Boss Rabbit — and that has 30 different kinds of pulsations. There’s a lot to choose from, really. Basically, if you want to come, we are here for you.”

Isn’t that beautiful?

You can literally carry your sex toy around with you on your key ring.

Instead of screaming at someone for parking too close to you or looking at you weird or just pretty much daring to exist at all.

Because you know what?

We may not be able to control the rest of the world right now. But you know what we can control?

We can control our climaxes.

So stop telling on yourself and your lack of damn orgasm already.

Take. Care. Of. It.

Happy New Year, and happy orgasm-ing, friends.